SelfInsertion
by Kaj-Nrig
Summary: An aewsumly m-azing storie in witch i teh gr8est person n teh w0rld, gets mistersly an, aewsumly transported, to the FFVII AC world. Wach as i do battel wit the SHM and saev Cloud an he becums my bestest friend in da n-tire world. o yah Cloud/Vincent yaoi


The last thing I remember is me playing FFVII on the awesomeness of my PS3, and then there being a weird spark of light on my TV... then a disturbing sensation of my intestinal contents emptying out into my pants as I fall to the ground. I don't even remember the pain, though maybe that's a good thing, because a giant piece of glass or TV screen or something was jutting out of my chest... and my arm.

And my eye.

Ouch.

...anyway, now I'm here, standing in this... I dunno, forest? Whatever it is, it's a pretty bleak place. All black and black, except it's got these wicked-looking trees all over the place. Like... they're _glowing_. When have _you_ seen a glowing tree? The only time I saw one was when I was watching this movie called Advent Children, but then this guy named Cloud – he's the hero of the story, and he's got a wicked Swiss Army knife of a sword – came riding into the forest and started chopping away at these three guys, who were also super-powered like some juiced-up Power Rangers, and then the whole forest started getting thrown around and blown apart and stuff-

Speaking of which, what the hell's that sound?

...oh, hey...

"Gyargh!"

"Raah!"

"Klang!"

Huh... figure that. There's these three guys fighting... looks like it's a two-on-one fight... that's kinda unfair, don'tcha think? Hey, now... That looks really familiar...

"Holee SIHT NO WAI!"

...you know, now that I think about it, from what I remember in the movie, it probably isn't such a good idea that I just said that...

"Huh!? Who're you!?" cries the whiny little crybI mean Kadaj, twirling that double katana of his in the air as he gets the kids to surround me.

This reminds me. I always thought it was just so stupid how those kids just sort of stood there, and it was like people were freaking "HOE NOEZ IT'S DA SHINNIN'!" about them and couldn't get near them. I mean, come o- whoa! Did you just see that!? One of those little punks just tried to bite me! Stupid little kid, if he was a little bit older, I'd have smacked the sh- whoa whoa whoa hey now whoa!

"Hey, cut it out, you stupid little brats! Get OFF of me!"

...okay, that was weird. One of the little guys just tried to kick me, and I pushed him back, and he, like, flew into a tree. Two, actually.

"Eeeeeee....crack-thwoom..."

Nope, make that three.

"Who are you!?" shouts the little crybaby whose mom must've wished was a girl, and he's running at me with that weird little katana-shape fork of his.

...so I punched him. What the hell else was I supposed to do!? He was running at me with a fucking SWORD in his ha- Oh, don't give me that crap about how he's such a cute and sexy stud! The kid's not even legal yet, you sick pedophiles! And you give _me_ crap when I say I want to bone Shelke! At least _she's_ nineteen!

Oh, by the way, I know you're gonna like this: Crybaby Kadaj? Yeah, he just now stopped tearing through the forest, his little baby wail trailing after him. Have fun trying to put his pretty little face together now.

"Brother! What did you do to my Kadaj!?"

"Hey, what did you do to Denzel!?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute... oh shit, that _was_ that Denzel kid, huh?

...well, this isn't good.

"Uh... uh... um, look, dude... Uh, Cloud, right? Look, Cloud, I didn't mean to... I mean, come on! He was trying to- they were ALL trying to kill me! What was I _supposed_ to do!?"

Okay, so that at least got _him_ to pause for a bit, but now those other two he was fighting are starting to leap around me and stuff and ohhhhhhhh no, this isn't gonna be good, one of them's got a gun-

"Guh!"

Everything's black, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead- oh, wait. My eyes are just closed. Heh. Shut up.

Ew... maybe I should've kept my eyes closed. 'What is it'? Well, it's just a dead body with a hole in its head, that's all. Oh, God, is that brain in her long silver hair? Ew...

"How dare you!? How did you do that!?"

What the hell? How did I do what? Aah!

"Aah!" And there's the last of the three, looking all macho-homosexual, ramming that electric dildo of his into my gut I'm gonna get belly-button-raped by a silver-haired pansy oh god oh god-

"Oof!"

...huh... it doesn't feel that bad, actuall- wait, what the hell am I thinking!?

Oh. Wait, never mind. Nothing happened. My eyes are just closed again. Though the last few times I opened them, I found myself inside a movie, and then staring at a guy with a giant gaping hole in his head, and... okay, that's about the most horrible thing I've ever seen. Ever seen a guy whose arm is physically shoved back into his chest? Well, that's what we have here. Like, I can actually see his fingers poking out of his chest.

...ick.

Anyway, now the only one around me is Cloud... and that group of diseased-looking orphans. I really don't feel like doing anything, because... well, remember, the last thing I remember before coming here is a piece of glass popping into my eye. Not exactly the way you want to go, you know? And if this is the afterlife, then I'd rather be in something like Purgatory. I'll be damned before I get stuck in a world where there's no difference between the men and women.

"It seems you already know my name, but I'm Cloud Strife. What's your name? Want to be friends?"

What the hell?

"Uh... sure... but, uh... I just threw your kid through, like, two huge freaking trees. Shouldn't you be, like... more worried about him?"

"Oh, it's okay. The only thing I care about right now is being your friend."

Wait wait wait... I know where this is going. Please, you've gotta be kidding me...

"S-sure... sure thing, uh, Cloud. Look... I dunno how to say this, but... where am I?"

Ugh. This is sickening. Cloud's giving me that "I vanna Facebook u naow!" look. Like, what the fucking hell!? I know I'm in one of those... what d'you call 'em... "self-insert" stories, but this is ridiculous!

"You're in the Forbidden Forest, and I'm Cloud and you just saved me from those silver-haired brothers and I've got Geostigma and blah blah blah blah blah blah..." Jesus... from what I remember, Cloud was supposed to be all quiet and emo. Now he's all chipper and bouncy. Yeah, I really must've pissed someone off in my earlier life or something.

...heheh... so just now, that Vincent guy came flying down just like he did in the movie, complete with the little whoosh sound and the Spawn reject cape effect. Out of all of them, I thought he and Rude were probably the least effeminate, but now that I'm actually staring at him and getting a boner, I could be wrong.

...or it could just be that I've the man-hots for him. I dunno.

But seriously. All kidding aside, he's pretty scary. But also really wimpy. Kinda like a mix between Spawn's badassery and the Teletubbies'... well, just the Teletubbies in general. It's such a weird little combination.

"...so blalh blah blah blah blah how'd you do that, by the way?"

Huh? Do what?

"Huh? Do what?"

"This."

Whoa whoa whoa hey what the he-

"Aaaagh!" I'mdeadI'mdeadI'mdeadI'mdeadI'mdeadI'mdead-

I'm not!

"Hey, hey, hey! What just happened!? Do that again! WHOA!"

You are NOT gonna believe this. So Cloud – y'know, the same guy who I said had that uber Swiss Army Knife of fire and brimstone – just skewered me with his sword.

And nothing happened! It broke in half! I didn't even feel a thing!

Take a look at Vincent. Do you get the same feeling I do that he's gonna try shooting me in just a few mo- See, just like that. Luckily for him, he's got the reflexes of a ninja cat, so he managed to dodge the bullet. If only the pansy-boy were as quick...

Anyway, now I've got a conundrum. I'm dead, but I'm not dead, but I can't die. I think it's part of this whole "self-insert" story thing. I mean, let's make a checklist.

I die or something weird happens? Check.

I wake up in a mysterious place with no idea where I am? Check.

I realize that I'm in the FFVII world? Check.

I somehow get super freaking powers and I beat up the bad guys without even trying? Check.

The main characters all love me? Check.

Now all I need's to get laid by Tifa. Or Yuffie. Or both.

...God, isn't that depressing? What the hell sort of story is THAT? "Random dood gets dropped into a world and he goes Jesus on everyone and cures all illnesses and makes everyone happy and life is good." Here, watch.

Y'see? All I did was TOUCH Cloud's arm, and he's suddenly cured of Geostigma. How lame is that? At least in the movie it took some sort of divine intervention. Ooh, I've got the touch of God. Big whoop.

...this sucks.

Oh yeah, so this whole time, Cloud and Vincent have been talking about how awesome and great I am and stuff. It's really kinda pathetic. I don't think I can take much more of this. I mean, could you? Being stuck in a world you don't even recognize with people who have nothing to do with you and who suddenly worship the ground you stand on and... ugh. So the very moment I think of it, they start staring in amazement at the flowers and grass growing from around my feet.

This has to stop.

"Hey, Vincent, gimme your gun for a sec."

"Of course, Exalted One."

That's horrible, just horrible. I'm sorry, Vincent, for what's been done to you. Hopefully, I can set things right and you two can get on your way and you can find out that you're in love with a nine-year old and get a giant cosmos pulled out of your heart and stuff.

Oh, well. Won't be my problem.

"Hey, it's been grand, you two... all ten minutes of it or so... but I'm gonna have to bid you a hasty farewell. Have fun wondering what the hell just happened."

...y'know, if this is a fanfic, then where's the title and disclai-

Self-Insertion  
By Kaj-Nrig

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII is the sole property of Square Enix Co., Ltd. I use this property without permission for free entertainment purposes only.


End file.
